i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
