theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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