i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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