this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
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I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
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I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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