I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
