yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
