Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
