I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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