dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
