just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i was born a porn star she said
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
