she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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