I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
