Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I have demons in me.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
