i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
