I could have mohawked her pubes.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
