I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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