I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
