So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Randomize
