Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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