Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
