2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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