hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
