dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
