you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize