Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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