Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
