I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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