I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize