Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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