im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
