Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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