he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
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Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
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You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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