Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
