I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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