what day is it and did you see me today?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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