Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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