Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
