You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
