I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
