there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
