My cat gives me a boner
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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