i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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