that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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