Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
