my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
