I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Bring me that man meat
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
