I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
