i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My ATM looks so different sober.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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