you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
