Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
