last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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