they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He did a backflip because drugs
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
