its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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