WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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