i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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