my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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