things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
