Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
