if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
