Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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