This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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